(A friend of mine who dances blues and lindy hop send this to me after we talked about consent in partner dance. With her permission I have edited out any personal details. These are her words, I have highlighted key passages.)
I've been diagnosed with PTSD, an anxiety disorder. Some evenings I feel very on edge, and dancing with strangers makes me very uncomfortable. I don't think I really need a reason to say "no" to a dance, but some nights I say "no" to almost every dance, except for dances with people with whom I feel comfortable and safe and anxiety-free, which is kind of a big deal for me. It would be nice if there was a culture in our dance community that allowed me to do that without discussing my mental illness, and it is part of the reason I advocate for it rather strongly.
Anyway, tonight was one night when I was very on edge. I had to leave the dance floor a few times just to gain some space and calm myself down, and when I did come back, I said no to most dances with people I didn't know. I was also sitting next to a table, and asked a friend to sit on the other side of me, with another empty chair slightly in front of us -- effectively barricading myself. My body language was similarly protective. A guy came up to ask me to dance anyway. In fact, he had to maneuver around the table to do so. I don't particularly blame him for this, because lindy hoppers are notoriously bad at reading body language, even when I made it as obvious as I possibly could. I politely declined. He persisted, saying something along the lines of, "Are you sure? Is it because you're tired? Maybe just one song?"
So I said no again, again politely. At this point I was feeling a little uncomfortable. One "no" should really be enough. He then continued standing there, an arm's length away from me and very much invading my space, as he looked around the dance floor. I kept waiting for him to leave. He didn't. I can only assume he was hoping I would feel guilty and dance with him anyway, or maybe he was just totally oblivious to my personal space. By this point, I was feeling downright unsafe, which is a feeling I'd been trying to avoid all evening, and found myself physically pushing my chair back to create more distance away from him. Eventually he left.
Shortly after, I had to leave and find myself a dark and safe corner. I had been feeling on edge and anxious all evening, and this incident was enough to push me "over the edge" into panic attack mode. Again, I don't blame him for this, as most of the factors leading to that are internal, but his behavior certainly didn't help. It might be a very minor and unintentional thing, and any other night I would have probably given in and danced with him, or maybe just felt slightly annoyed, but tonight it had a very big, very tangible impact on me. Like I said before, this is part of the reason I feel it is so important to create a culture of consent in our community. Even in dancing, "no means no."
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