In a wonderful blog post, Ambidancetrous suggests that all dances begin with the question "Would you like to lead or follow?" This is a great place to start, and as Ambidancetrous says, the revolution will be polite.
However, this specific question is not always the best one to ask. Dancers are not all the same and there's a range of questions you can start a dance with. These five should cover the most common situations.
First of all, if you don't know how to lead, or how to follow, don't offer to do so. It's not honest to offer to dance a role you don't know. Worse, trying to dance a role you've never danced before can be painful for your partner.
Sometimes, the question to ask is, "I'm learning to lead, may I lead you?" or "I'm learning to follow, will you lead me?" (Even better, follow that up with a request for feedback.)
On the other hand, sometimes you really want to dance as a lead, or as a follow. I know some people who are amazing and unique in how they lead or follow. I often want to dance with them in a specific role. Or, I'm at a point during the night when I really want to lead. (Or follow, especially if it's 4am and I've been dancing for six hours straight. My brain gets tired.)
Sometimes, the question to ask is, "May I lead you?" or "Will you lead me?"
Finally, we usually dance with people we've never met. We know nothing about them, except for their physical attributes. If I assume they lead or follow based on those physical attributes, I'm making a sexist assumption. We simply can't tell just by looking if a person prefers to lead or follow. That's when the question is "Would you like to lead or follow?"
My point is simple: Don't make assumptions.
The most common way for a male-who-leads to start a dance is to ask "Would you like to dance?". Then he immediately raises his left hand and curves his right arm out, the closed blues position. Or, he puts out his hands in a "cup" and waits for his follow to put their in the follow's position. Regardless of the specifics, both of these maneuvers assume that the male bodied person will be leading and the female bodied person will be following.
That assumption makes no sense to me. Yes, we currently dance in a world where the vast number of women follow and the vast number of men lead. That's changing. Leading and following are roles within a dance, not gender roles you're required to follow. Why do we look at someone's body and assume we know anything about how they dance?
Don't make assumptions. Specify the dance roles you're interested in dancing with that partner before the dance starts. It's as easy as clapping on the 2 and 4.
Here's an idea. The person who asks the other to dance gets to offer their roll.
ReplyDeleteIf a guys asks, and he offers his left hand cupped, fine, the other person can then ask to do a different roll.
If a gal asks, and she offers her left hand cupped, then... (drum roll please) the other person can ask if they want to do a different roll.
Default first choice to the person who put in the effort to initiate the dance.
That way you avoid the perceived clumsiness of my roll is x and I want to do x, or maybe this or maybe that, or blah di-FICKEN blah. Just show up, ask, and offer your role. The initiator of the dance chooses. Got a problem with that? Then ask first!
That's an option, but how is that simpler than just asking? If you verbally ask for a preference, or state your own preference, there's no room for confusion.
ReplyDeleteIt would have the unfortunate side effect of simplifying the title of this blog from "5 Questions" to "1 Question" It would also sadly be simpler in general and require less change from people.
ReplyDeleteAnd easy is more likely to happen.
I actually disagree that your idea is an easier change. It's very similar to how we currently do things, so the change would be subtle. Verbally stating is a big obvious change, with an obvious impact. Yes, it's a bigger cultural leap to make. But I've seen it done and it's not a difficult change.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who is read as female but prefers to lead in most situations, I feel that if I offer the lead position to anyone who doesn't already have a dance history with me, it is usually flat out ignored. My first dance with almost anyone is now one in which I lead, because that is my preferred role and I would rather my dance partners have that as part of their understanding of me rather than assuming I am a follow, which most people who ask me to dance do.
ReplyDeleteI have found recently that if I am offering my partner the choice of dance roles, I have to ask twice. The first time I ask, I get a, "well... I mean... I guess..." The second time I emphasize the want in "which dance role do you want, or would you like to switch?" and then I usually get a very clear answer from my dance partner.