It’s come to my attention that there’s confusion around what consent means in partner dancing, and the world at large. Lets start with what it’s not.
Consent is not walking on eggshells. It’s not being paranoid about causing harm. It’s not asking for permission before every single action. Engaging in consent doesn't mean you obsess about it, nor does it mean you talk about consent all the time. (I do, but I'm weird.)
Consent is about respect.
Consent culture means respecting the boundaries, physical and emotional, of the people around you.
Key fact: Boundaries can change. They change because of a huge number of factors. My boundaries for a significant other are different from my boundaries with a close friend. Both are different from my boundaries with a stranger. My boundaries at work are different from my boundaries talking with friends, or on the dance floor.
But wait, there’s more! Boundaries are person specific. I can not make assumptions about one person’s boundaries based on other people’s boundaries. Every person has boundaries which are different from every other person.
(Side note: Making assumptions about someone’s boundaries based on race or ethnicity is called racism. When they’re based on sex or gender it’s called sexism. And when you make assumptions about a person’s boundaries based on their perceived income it’s called classism. Think about it.)
Now, this isn't as crazy as it sounds. We know most of this already. I will greet a close friends with a hug, but not coworker or stranger. And a few of my closest friends are not comfortable with hugging. So I don't hug them, even if I'm hugging everyone else.
Lets bring it back to dancing.
At a dance it’s safe to assume everyone there wants to dance. But remember how I said making assumptions based on perceived gender is sexist? I'm not going to assume someone leads or follows based on their gender. But consent means so much more than this.
Consent means being aware of the people around you and treating them with respect. If someone is at a dance event, but engaged in a conversation, be respectful and don't interrupt them.
Consent means changing how you interact with people based on your relationship with them. If a friend of mine is talking to another friend, I might butt in and ask for a dance. Remember how boundaries change based on context?
Consent means you make assumptions ONLY when presented with enough evidence. If someone tells you two or three times that they prefer to follow, it’s safe to assume they'll want to follow in the future.
Consent means that boundaries change depending on who you're interacting with. Simply because one person dances in a specific way with one partner, it does not mean that I can dance in the same way with that person.
Consent is not a specific set of instructions, not a series of if/then statements, nor is it just saying the proper words. Consent a way of treating people with respect.
